Excel Humor

Are your nightmares filled with Excel files or creepy clowns? I’ll answer that question after I finish these three delicious plates of pasta. I might need a coffee break too. Oh, and a piece of gum.

How much Googling of Excel stuff do you do every day? Or are your days filled with menu analysis and pivot table muscles? And I’d love to see a TV script about Excel!

There are Excel books for dummies; should we have Excel messages for dummies too? That might reduce the number of #REF! errors. Or not. Oh, the horror!

With all the seductive whispering, X-rated workbooks, disturbing dreams and nerdgasms, this week’s collection of tweets might not be suitable for children. If you’re underage, or a sensitive type, perhaps you should play Pokeman Go instead.

Are your pivot tables mean? Are your Excel workbooks fact or fiction? Is it a real workday, if Excel is behaving nicely? These, and other important questions, in this week’s Excel tweets.

Do you ever have a roller coaster day with Excel? If so, are pivot tables usually involved? And I know it’s a typo, but “troublesheet” is my new favourite word.

Do your Excel charts look like the Batman logo? Or does your work look more like a $15 mouse, and it’s slowly killing you?

Even if you’ve been in love with Excel for a long time, does it still give you butterflies? Or have you moved on to Pokémon and Hamilton?

Does it feel like you’ve spent 8 hours working in Excel today, or 500 years? It probably doesn’t matter, as long as your pivot table is relevant.

Have you been lying on your résumé, and you have to Google how to make a pivot table? Or is that even a proficiency? Maybe you should go to Starbucks (when it isn’t busy), and think about that.

If you mess up your Excel chart, does that mean you’ve lost the plot? If that joke gave you a migraine, I’m sorry – it was not Our Greatest Work.

After setting up my new laptop, I’ll have to agree with the tweet about stupid default settings. And if the answer is always a pivot table, does that mean they’re funny looking? Enjoy the tweets – I’m going back to my desk to test a formula.

Is your youth fading, and if so, is Excel to blame? Anyway, don’t yell at the paper clip, and leave the pivot table out of it. I’m sure that bloke from 2003 would agree!

Which is worse – “generously formatted” Excel workbooks, or files with “merged and centered” cells? Maybe you can work on that problem if you get bored this summer. Or, just turn everything into a pivot table!

And….we’re back! Finally, all the widgets, gadgets, scripts, feeds, worksheets, connections, and other necessary bits and pieces are working correctly again. For now!

If your boss is annoying you with Excel questions, maybe a Pivot Table will make you feel better. Or, run a mile before work, then spend the rest of the day hiding in your new Excel Batcave. 2016-Mar-24: Twitter has changed its feed (again), so I can’t efficiently collect new tweets for the weekly post….

If you’re drowning in Excel data, do you think that a game of Battleship would help? If not, Excel might force you to take a break, and watch some Winnie the Pooh.

If (when) Excel punishes you by crashing, try to remember that things could be worse. At least you don’t have to fight saber-toothed tigers every day.

A boss who is a boulder might not appreciate your new pivot table and VLOOKUP skills. Maybe you should give up using Excel for a while, or explode a few pie charts.

Have you ever hit anyone with a pivot table? No? Not even after taking too much cold medication? Okay, go back to your pie charts.

If Excel’s stupid colours make you (or your friend) cry, a glass of wine might help. Or, as a last resort, try some pivot table pizza!

After you make an Excel chart, do you have a strange craving for pie? How many times do you have to say “pivot table” in a meeting, before people think you’re a nerd.

Thanks for answering my formatting survey last week, and it was too close to call, so, I’ll keep doing both formats. You can skim through the plain text tweets at the top, and the embedded tweets are below.

Welcome back for a new year of Excel Tweets! Please take a minute to answer the quick survey below, to let me know which tweet format you prefer. Thanks!

While you use Excel to plan your Christmas shopping, please sing along with the festive pivot table song. Remember to select the correct cells before you start, and don’t use a Mac! Happy Holidays, and I’ll see you back here in January!

Don’t let a pivot table make you cry – just add +1 somewhere, and things might work out. And if you have to make a pie chart, a kitchen renovation sounds like the perfect place for it!

Don’t let Excel force you to throw your laptop out the window! Perhaps some not-so-beautiful code could fix things for you. Or the dolphins could help.

Don’t waste time arguing with your boss about trend analysis. Just make a chart, and put some notes beside it. And speaking of Black Friday workbooks, I’m taking next Friday off, so I’ll see you back here on December 4th.

Should you send a spreadsheet, instead of a love letter? Of course, and remember to save it, so it doesn’t disappear at the end of the day. You don’t have to include a pivot table, but it might help.

To prevent a tragedy, remember to save your Excel work before you leave the office. You don’t want to end up having nightmares that pivot tables don’t exist!

Are all your Excel formulas logical, or would you fail the standardized testing? And if you know more than the instructor, just sit in the back of the class, and read your beer spreadsheet.

Is life easier when you know how to use Excel? Or does that just lead to nightmares and tingling geeky senses?

While your mom is at the Cubs game, you can make friends on the soccer field, or go to a bar, and build a pie chart.

Don’t lie about your Excel skills, or you’ll have to spend your lunch hour solving problems. You could even end up listening to sad country songs, and being paid in beef jerky.

If your Excel formulas won’t work, you might lose your mind, and start daydreaming that people think your Excel jokes are funny. When that happens, try a pivot table.

If your workbook crashes, and Bill Gates won’t send you money to compensate your loss, how will you reignite your love for Excel? Remember, the struggle is real.