Excel Humor

Are you fluent in Excel, or would you prefer to communicate in High Valyrian? Whichever you pick, don’t let the green triangles scare you while you solve the universe.

Do you need more characters in Twitter, to complain about Excel? Or do you need fewer pie chart slices? If you can’t decide, have a few M&Ms and maybe a Jello shot or two.

Does your dad believe that Excel can do anything, or has it drained his life force? And what about you – are you Spock or Kirk in a spreadsheet? Or just a regular nerd, trying to calculate the gender balance?

Do you laugh when your co-workers crash Excel? Or are you too busy, admiring your Excel works of art? Anyway, just to be safe, I’d recommend that you don’t brag about your Excel skills. Or your witchcraft skills.

If Excel seems boring, dream about dragons while doing your work. Or, have a few Margaritas. And when you get to workbook 68, ask for a raise. You might get $10!

Are you the company Excel expert, finding creative ways to break Excel? Or are you busy printing your spreadsheets, and taking pictures of them? Harry Potter wants to know.

Does Excel prepare you for marriage? Does Google prepare you for Excel? Or should we just spend time drinking and gardening, and forget about spreadsheets?

What’s in your Google Search history? Excel questions? Pivot table problems? Benedict Cumberbatch formulas? Just remember to save your work, and never press the F1 key. You’ve been warned.

Which is worse – fish in the office microwave, Excel training, or merged cells? If those things make you irrationally angry, just revamp an old Excel workbook. Or map out your life.

How long do you spend each day, picking colours for Excel? Or do you use animal codes instead? And speaking of animals, can your dog make a pivot table, or does your mom have to do that for him?

If you’re planning a dinner party, how many Excel formulas do you use? Does it require Gantt charts too? Or do you write some VBA code to handle all the details? If you have an Apple computer, please ignore these questions.

Is Excel a constant horror story? Do you hear people screaming every time you create a pivot table? Or, is your lizard brain happy about the new pivot table options? P.S. If you don’t have those options, you can store and apply settings with my Pivot Power Premium (PPP) add-in.

Do you have that pivot table swagger? Or are you too busy working on your dog snout list? We’ll read all about it, in your biography, “The Spreadsheet”.

If you keep bringing Excel to a screeching halt, you won’t be able to solve all your problems. Maybe you should take the summer off, or play with your investment portfolio for a while, to relax.

This week, people are singing and dancing and dreaming about Excel. Just be sure to remember where to put your first and last names on the worksheet, or you might have to join the military. Thanks to Bill Jelen (Mr. Excel) for recommending one of this week’s tweets. You can find more tweets, and great…

That poor dad! I never let Excel questions distract me like that. Well, hardly ever. Not more than twice a day. And certainly not when I’m color coordinating my workbooks.

Of course it’s cool to use Solver in Excel! Maybe not as cool and time-saving as a pivot table, but way cooler than clearing a filter.

What’s your biggest problem in Excel? Writing complex code? Creating pivot tables? Making a chart for a coffee run? And just when you figure that out, they add another feature!

The war with Excel continues. I’ve had a few battles with it, but never needed to use a sander! Now get back to making pie charts, and watching other people use Excel.

Working in Excel is a good excuse for not going out in the snow. Just make sure you have some coffee before you start doing the difficult stuff. And remember to close that shared file when you’re done with it!

Would you rather talk to your mom about Excel, or stand in the freezing rain? No matter which you choose, be careful that you don’t drag your pivot table off the edge of your monitor.

Has a frog ever saved you from an Excel file that was about to consume you? Or does Excel simply fix all your problems, while you listen to sea shanties?

Are Pivot Tables the magical genie of Excel? How many times will Excel crash today? Should you use lime green in your spreadsheets? If you had minored in Excel, you might know the answers to those questions.

Does Excel make you whine, or can it turn water into wine? If you’re not sure how to do that, ask one of the office dogs. Or, Google might know, if you can figure out how to ask.

Does Excel make you feel calm, or does it give you nightmares? Can it solve every problem, or is it a constant struggle? Does it give you a wave of pleasure, or feelings of deep shame? Answer when you’re ready.

Don’t feel stupid, and please stop crying. Google and YouTube will help you solve your Excel problems. But if that doesn’t work, just lie down, or go back to pen and paper.

Could a pie chart destroy the universe? Would you make a pivot table to earn a hot chocolate? These are stupid questions about Excel, so please don’t Google them.

Did Excel formulas end your childhood? If so, was it a specific function, or all of them? And if there aren’t many spreadsheet scenes in The Accountant, would there be some in a movie about bus drivers?

Happy New Year! I hope that 2017 is off to a good start for you. Now that the holidays are over, is Excel working correctly, and did you remember the route to your office?

If you’ve been very good, Santa might bring you an error-free spreadsheet this year. If not, you’ll get a lump of coal and a some broken code that will take days to fix. Merry Christmas, and I’ll see you back here in January!

Does Excel give you infinite cosmic power, just like Aladdin’s genie? Or is your life a delicate balance between spreadsheets and Twitter?

Every day with Excel is awesome, until you discover that your lunch is mouldy. Or if Excel catches fire, when you’re up to your neck in pivot tables.

Can you ever have too much love for Excel? Or does it just lead to trouble in the office, with pivot table fights? To restore peace, go watch a movie, like The Accountant – I won’t tell you how it ends.

Are you saying “Thanks!” to the gods of Excel, or “Not today!”. And is it Pearl Jam, or lack of pivot tables, that will eventually kill you?

Don’t worry if nobody else cares about your awesome Excel file! At least that Christmas 2016 workbook is ready, and you’re all relaxed now. Take a break and knit a scarf or something.

Are pivot tables a powerful secret weapon? Would James Bond use them to outwit the bad guys? Or maybe he planned all of his moves in Excel’s old flight simulator.