If you keep bringing Excel to a screeching halt, you won’t be able to solve all your problems. Maybe you should take the summer off, or play with your investment portfolio for a while, to relax.

This week, people are singing and dancing and dreaming about Excel. Just be sure to remember where to put your first and last names on the worksheet, or you might have to join the military. Thanks to Bill Jelen (Mr. Excel) for recommending one of this week’s tweets. You can find more tweets, and great…

That poor dad! I never let Excel questions distract me like that. Well, hardly ever. Not more than twice a day. And certainly not when I’m color coordinating my workbooks.

Of course it’s cool to use Solver in Excel! Maybe not as cool and time-saving as a pivot table, but way cooler than clearing a filter.

What’s your biggest problem in Excel? Writing complex code? Creating pivot tables? Making a chart for a coffee run? And just when you figure that out, they add another feature!

The war with Excel continues. I’ve had a few battles with it, but never needed to use a sander! Now get back to making pie charts, and watching other people use Excel.

Working in Excel is a good excuse for not going out in the snow. Just make sure you have some coffee before you start doing the difficult stuff. And remember to close that shared file when you’re done with it!

Would you rather talk to your mom about Excel, or stand in the freezing rain? No matter which you choose, be careful that you don’t drag your pivot table off the edge of your monitor.

Has a frog ever saved you from an Excel file that was about to consume you? Or does Excel simply fix all your problems, while you listen to sea shanties?

Are Pivot Tables the magical genie of Excel? How many times will Excel crash today? Should you use lime green in your spreadsheets? If you had minored in Excel, you might know the answers to those questions.

Does Excel make you whine, or can it turn water into wine? If you’re not sure how to do that, ask one of the office dogs. Or, Google might know, if you can figure out how to ask.

Does Excel make you feel calm, or does it give you nightmares? Can it solve every problem, or is it a constant struggle? Does it give you a wave of pleasure, or feelings of deep shame? Answer when you’re ready.

Don’t feel stupid, and please stop crying. Google and YouTube will help you solve your Excel problems. But if that doesn’t work, just lie down, or go back to pen and paper.

Could a pie chart destroy the universe? Would you make a pivot table to earn a hot chocolate? These are stupid questions about Excel, so please don’t Google them.

Did Excel formulas end your childhood? If so, was it a specific function, or all of them? And if there aren’t many spreadsheet scenes in The Accountant, would there be some in a movie about bus drivers?

Happy New Year! I hope that 2017 is off to a good start for you. Now that the holidays are over, is Excel working correctly, and did you remember the route to your office?

If you’ve been very good, Santa might bring you an error-free spreadsheet this year. If not, you’ll get a lump of coal and a some broken code that will take days to fix. Merry Christmas, and I’ll see you back here in January!

Does Excel give you infinite cosmic power, just like Aladdin’s genie? Or is your life a delicate balance between spreadsheets and Twitter?

Every day with Excel is awesome, until you discover that your lunch is mouldy. Or if Excel catches fire, when you’re up to your neck in pivot tables.

Can you ever have too much love for Excel? Or does it just lead to trouble in the office, with pivot table fights? To restore peace, go watch a movie, like The Accountant – I won’t tell you how it ends.

Are you saying “Thanks!” to the gods of Excel, or “Not today!”. And is it Pearl Jam, or lack of pivot tables, that will eventually kill you?

Don’t worry if nobody else cares about your awesome Excel file! At least that Christmas 2016 workbook is ready, and you’re all relaxed now. Take a break and knit a scarf or something.

Are pivot tables a powerful secret weapon? Would James Bond use them to outwit the bad guys? Or maybe he planned all of his moves in Excel’s old flight simulator.

Are your nightmares filled with Excel files or creepy clowns? I’ll answer that question after I finish these three delicious plates of pasta. I might need a coffee break too. Oh, and a piece of gum.

How much Googling of Excel stuff do you do every day? Or are your days filled with menu analysis and pivot table muscles? And I’d love to see a TV script about Excel!

There are Excel books for dummies; should we have Excel messages for dummies too? That might reduce the number of #REF! errors. Or not. Oh, the horror!

With all the seductive whispering, X-rated workbooks, disturbing dreams and nerdgasms, this week’s collection of tweets might not be suitable for children. If you’re underage, or a sensitive type, perhaps you should play Pokeman Go instead.

Are your pivot tables mean? Are your Excel workbooks fact or fiction? Is it a real workday, if Excel is behaving nicely? These, and other important questions, in this week’s Excel tweets.

Do you ever have a roller coaster day with Excel? If so, are pivot tables usually involved? And I know it’s a typo, but “troublesheet” is my new favourite word.

Do your Excel charts look like the Batman logo? Or does your work look more like a $15 mouse, and it’s slowly killing you?

Even if you’ve been in love with Excel for a long time, does it still give you butterflies? Or have you moved on to Pokémon and Hamilton?

Does it feel like you’ve spent 8 hours working in Excel today, or 500 years? It probably doesn’t matter, as long as your pivot table is relevant.

Have you been lying on your résumé, and you have to Google how to make a pivot table? Or is that even a proficiency? Maybe you should go to Starbucks (when it isn’t busy), and think about that.

If you mess up your Excel chart, does that mean you’ve lost the plot? If that joke gave you a migraine, I’m sorry – it was not Our Greatest Work.

After setting up my new laptop, I’ll have to agree with the tweet about stupid default settings. And if the answer is always a pivot table, does that mean they’re funny looking? Enjoy the tweets – I’m going back to my desk to test a formula.

Is your youth fading, and if so, is Excel to blame? Anyway, don’t yell at the paper clip, and leave the pivot table out of it. I’m sure that bloke from 2003 would agree!