Are pivot tables easier to make than they use to be? Are pie charts harder than physics class? Can you cough up a spreadsheet at the push of a button? Don’t let those questions give you nightmares.

Are your Excel projects time-sensitive and life-saving? Is each workbook the most important one ever created? Or do you spend every day relearning Excel, and making shopping lists?

What would you rate your Excel skills, on a scale of 1 to 10? Eleven? Or would you like write a million words, and avoid Excel, because of your anger problems?

Have you Index Matched your whole life, or are you busy killing Excel? Would you be cooler if you got an Excel tattoo, and should Bill Jelen (Mr. Excel) get one too?

Can you work on Excel files early in the morning, or is Sunday afternoon a better time? Either way, be careful that your brain doesn’t melt, and take a nap, if you need one.

If Excel raises your blood pressure, don’t overdo it on the Red Bull, or the colour coding. Just tell yourself that Excel is mystical, and we may never understand it.

What score would your Excel workbooks get from the Olympic judges? And what event would they be entered in? Figure skating? Skeleton races? Curling? Whatever the sport is, try to avoid crashing! Thanks to Bill Jelen for suggesting couple of today’s tweets

Valentine’s Day is coming up next week, so use your Excel skills to impress your sweetheart. Or, make a car out of cardboard, and fill it with cheesy jokes. Whatever works for you!

If your Excel sheets don’t love you, eat some cheese balls, and drink a cup of Joe. You can work on your formulas and incantations later.

If your Excel chart doesn’t have a puppy in the middle, you’re doing it wrong. And don’t try to open all the Excel files at once, or we’ll have to do a sage cleanse. Sorry that I had to scold you from Antarctica (well, it feels like Antarctica!)

Don’t try to fix your old Excel macros, if an IF formula gives you a headache. Just hit the Send Email button, and unload the problem on somebody else. And remember to use the Comic Sans font!

Does a pivot table keep you warm on a snowy day? Could you live your entire life in Excel? If your answer is yes, don’t give me a high five, just throw yourself a one-person party.

Did you forget how to use Excel over the holidays, or is it New Year, Same You? How many new Excel things will you learn today, or are you busy filing hostile work environment reports, and looking for Easter eggs?

Do you think about your Excel skills every year at Christmas time? Or are you too busy colouring your pivot tables, and looking for hidden columns? Happy holidays, and come back for more Excel tweets in January!

Do you make Excel workbooks that nobody ever uses? Or do you spend your days watching pivot table videos, and making art in Excel? Whatever you do, avoid using a calculator, especially if Mercury is in retrograde!

Does anyone love Excel more than you do, despite its quirks? Or are you currently swearing at Excel, because you’ve broken it three time today, with your complicated charts? Your answer will tell me a lot about you.

Do you get joy from those moments when everything works perfectly in Excel? And do you excel at Excel, or is technology just not on your side today? Finally, if you’re up against a pivot table, just whisper, “Don’t fight it!” (That’s what Jack Bauer would do.)

Does Excel really know when you’re rushing? If so, could we distract it with donuts and pizza rolls? In the meantime, just play random songs, and try to figure out how you got into college.

Do you still remember how your old Excel formulas work? Or do you need a Red Bull and some hyper focus to figure them out? Anyway, don’t give up – eventually Excel will tell you that you’re right!

Does Excel make you dizzy, or do you always feel that way when Excel crashes? Anyway, if you need a break from your big, complicated spreadsheet, read the entire thread about pivot table ducks. I loved it, perhaps a little too much.

Did you celebrate Spreadsheet Day this week? Or did you just sit in a Starbucks, drinking coffee and swearing at Excel?

If pivot tables make you cry, don’t put them on your resume. Those Wall Street guys won’t like it. Just have some sushi, then make a Gantt chart instead.

Are you fluent in Excel, or would you prefer to communicate in High Valyrian? Whichever you pick, don’t let the green triangles scare you while you solve the universe.

Do you need more characters in Twitter, to complain about Excel? Or do you need fewer pie chart slices? If you can’t decide, have a few M&Ms and maybe a Jello shot or two.

Does your dad believe that Excel can do anything, or has it drained his life force? And what about you – are you Spock or Kirk in a spreadsheet? Or just a regular nerd, trying to calculate the gender balance?

Do you laugh when your co-workers crash Excel? Or are you too busy, admiring your Excel works of art? Anyway, just to be safe, I’d recommend that you don’t brag about your Excel skills. Or your witchcraft skills.

If Excel seems boring, dream about dragons while doing your work. Or, have a few Margaritas. And when you get to workbook 68, ask for a raise. You might get $10!

Are you the company Excel expert, finding creative ways to break Excel? Or are you busy printing your spreadsheets, and taking pictures of them? Harry Potter wants to know.

Does Excel prepare you for marriage? Does Google prepare you for Excel? Or should we just spend time drinking and gardening, and forget about spreadsheets?

What’s in your Google Search history? Excel questions? Pivot table problems? Benedict Cumberbatch formulas? Just remember to save your work, and never press the F1 key. You’ve been warned.

Which is worse – fish in the office microwave, Excel training, or merged cells? If those things make you irrationally angry, just revamp an old Excel workbook. Or map out your life.

How long do you spend each day, picking colours for Excel? Or do you use animal codes instead? And speaking of animals, can your dog make a pivot table, or does your mom have to do that for him?

If you’re planning a dinner party, how many Excel formulas do you use? Does it require Gantt charts too? Or do you write some VBA code to handle all the details? If you have an Apple computer, please ignore these questions.

Is Excel a constant horror story? Do you hear people screaming every time you create a pivot table? Or, is your lizard brain happy about the new pivot table options? P.S. If you don’t have those options, you can store and apply settings with my Pivot Power Premium (PPP) add-in.

Do you have that pivot table swagger? Or are you too busy working on your dog snout list? We’ll read all about it, in your biography, “The Spreadsheet”.

If you keep bringing Excel to a screeching halt, you won’t be able to solve all your problems. Maybe you should take the summer off, or play with your investment portfolio for a while, to relax.