Excel Humor

They might use pivot tables at IKEA, but they don’t sell any. However, if they did sell pivot tables, they would be smooth and amazing! And they certainly wouldn’t crash after you used them for 3 hours.

I’d watch a television show about pivot tables – would you? Or are you too busy earning gold stars and wrapping gifts with pages from old Excel books?

Do you spend all day Googling how to do things in Excel? Or are you busy playing chess, and getting your macros to work? Remember, when you send me your answer, don’t hit the Reply All button!

Do you have a favourite Excel function, or would you rather choose between cats and dogs? If you’re busy planning your wedding in a spreadsheet, don’t take time to answer. We don’t want your blood pressure to rise!

How many years have you been making the same mistakes in Excel? Have you accidentally (or intentionally) summoned any demons yet, with your formulas? Do NOT start reading that Demon thread – you’ve been warned!

Would you fake your death if someone asked for Excel help? Or are you too busy, shredding spreadsheets and matching header colours? If you need to relax, try gangster rap or cat photos.

What is your Excel nightmare? Formulas that don’t work? Colour-coordinated vacation spreadsheets? Whispering pivot tables? Everything? Welcome to Purgatory!

Are you afraid to ask what a pivot table is? Or do you know that even a pivot table can’t help you now? Maybe you should make a quick chart, then yell at Excel, and say you’re sorry.

Does Excel give you the spins, or make you gape-mouthed? Maybe that’s why it looks like you use pivot tables! Anyway, before the sky darkens, learn another Excel spell, so you don’t get itchy.

Are spiders guarding your spreadsheets? Does that idea give you nightmares, or is that less frightening than working on someone else’s Excel workbook?

How many days does it take to make an Excel chart? Is that what put you in a bad mood, or was that caused by the late nights studying quantum mechanics?

Is Excel like a magic wand, or a cozy blanket? And would you rather have a spreadsheet or a purse shaped like a dragon? Please note – these questions are not designed to make you cry!

This was the week that Kanye West wanted to burn Excel, and Twitter has never been more excited about “Spread Sheets”. Are you on his team, or do you always have at least one workbook open?

It’s the end of a long week, so do a happy dance if you figured out your Excel problems. If things are still going wrong, just remember that you won’t have to look at Excel again until Merlot Monday.

Are pivot tables easier to make than they use to be? Are pie charts harder than physics class? Can you cough up a spreadsheet at the push of a button? Don’t let those questions give you nightmares.

Are your Excel projects time-sensitive and life-saving? Is each workbook the most important one ever created? Or do you spend every day relearning Excel, and making shopping lists?

What would you rate your Excel skills, on a scale of 1 to 10? Eleven? Or would you like write a million words, and avoid Excel, because of your anger problems?

Have you Index Matched your whole life, or are you busy killing Excel? Would you be cooler if you got an Excel tattoo, and should Bill Jelen (Mr. Excel) get one too?

Can you work on Excel files early in the morning, or is Sunday afternoon a better time? Either way, be careful that your brain doesn’t melt, and take a nap, if you need one.

If Excel raises your blood pressure, don’t overdo it on the Red Bull, or the colour coding. Just tell yourself that Excel is mystical, and we may never understand it.

What score would your Excel workbooks get from the Olympic judges? And what event would they be entered in? Figure skating? Skeleton races? Curling? Whatever the sport is, try to avoid crashing! Thanks to Bill Jelen for suggesting couple of today’s tweets

Valentine’s Day is coming up next week, so use your Excel skills to impress your sweetheart. Or, make a car out of cardboard, and fill it with cheesy jokes. Whatever works for you!

If your Excel sheets don’t love you, eat some cheese balls, and drink a cup of Joe. You can work on your formulas and incantations later.

If your Excel chart doesn’t have a puppy in the middle, you’re doing it wrong. And don’t try to open all the Excel files at once, or we’ll have to do a sage cleanse. Sorry that I had to scold you from Antarctica (well, it feels like Antarctica!)

Don’t try to fix your old Excel macros, if an IF formula gives you a headache. Just hit the Send Email button, and unload the problem on somebody else. And remember to use the Comic Sans font!

Does a pivot table keep you warm on a snowy day? Could you live your entire life in Excel? If your answer is yes, don’t give me a high five, just throw yourself a one-person party.

Did you forget how to use Excel over the holidays, or is it New Year, Same You? How many new Excel things will you learn today, or are you busy filing hostile work environment reports, and looking for Easter eggs?

Do you think about your Excel skills every year at Christmas time? Or are you too busy colouring your pivot tables, and looking for hidden columns? Happy holidays, and come back for more Excel tweets in January!

Do you make Excel workbooks that nobody ever uses? Or do you spend your days watching pivot table videos, and making art in Excel? Whatever you do, avoid using a calculator, especially if Mercury is in retrograde!

Does anyone love Excel more than you do, despite its quirks? Or are you currently swearing at Excel, because you’ve broken it three time today, with your complicated charts? Your answer will tell me a lot about you.

Do you get joy from those moments when everything works perfectly in Excel? And do you excel at Excel, or is technology just not on your side today? Finally, if you’re up against a pivot table, just whisper, “Don’t fight it!” (That’s what Jack Bauer would do.)

Does Excel really know when you’re rushing? If so, could we distract it with donuts and pizza rolls? In the meantime, just play random songs, and try to figure out how you got into college.

Do you still remember how your old Excel formulas work? Or do you need a Red Bull and some hyper focus to figure them out? Anyway, don’t give up – eventually Excel will tell you that you’re right!

Does Excel make you dizzy, or do you always feel that way when Excel crashes? Anyway, if you need a break from your big, complicated spreadsheet, read the entire thread about pivot table ducks. I loved it, perhaps a little too much.

Did you celebrate Spreadsheet Day this week? Or did you just sit in a Starbucks, drinking coffee and swearing at Excel?

If pivot tables make you cry, don’t put them on your resume. Those Wall Street guys won’t like it. Just have some sushi, then make a Gantt chart instead.