Don’t be an Internet troll, even if you’re in pivot table hell, or Excel just crashed. You’ll feel better if you colour code something, or get Becky to do your work.

If you have too many glasses of wine while working on that spreadsheet, you’ll need to find a pivot bed to crash in. Yes, “crash” was a joke – a bad joke.

Yes, rock stars use Excel too, but they might have someone else who does the grocery shopping for them. And I’m not sure if a cranky engineer should have a licence to chart.

It’s never too late in the day to work on a pivot table, but if you’re working on them at home, you might qualify for hazardous duty pay.

Do you make pivot tables when you feel lazy? And when you have free time, do you make YouTube videos about charts? That can happen, if Excel is your only friend.

Can you build an Excel pie chart in less than 3 hours? Will a pivot table be your cause of death? What are you having for dinner tomorrow?

How long have you been making Excel charts? Do you still find them maddening? Or are you busy building pivot tables, and writing formulas, on a super slow Mac?

What would you do, if you had a dollar for every Excel chart that you made? Or have you only made one, and spent the rest of your time formatting it?

Swearing at Excel’s chart wizard doesn’t usually help, but a new shirt might help you write your first macro. Just don’t write a macro that hides your entire workbook.

If Excel macros are stressing you out, a lovely bubble chart, or a few minutes of yoga, might help you relax.

With the help of the Dixie Chicks and Harry Potter, you should become a Pivot Table Master in no time! Your Linkedin connections will be happy to endorse your new skills.

If you’re the only one in the room who can make a pivot table, maybe you can get some consulting work, or build a Role Playing Game that uses bullet points.

What kind of mother would refuse to help with an Excel chart? In her defence, maybe she had a migraine, or she was busy making charts in Word.

If you’re going to live through Groundhog Day, over and over again, make sure your Excel file isn’t crashing, and your hair looks nice.

If you’re using abracadabra as an Excel password, and thinking about living in the cells, you might not need that 8th cup of coffee.

If you don’t help your parents with their Excel charts, you’ll never be smart enough to understand those pivot table jokes. And Christmas might be really late next year.

What is your dark Excel secret? Do you get paid in hugs for your pivot tables? Do you stay late to work on fun Excel projects?

If you want to get into the holiday spirit, buy an elf hat for your dog, and create an Excel chart that is colored in festive red and green. Please vote for your favourite tweet, in the survey at the end of this blog post. Thanks for voting last week, and the winner was:

If you build more pivot tables, maybe you can get to bed sooner. Or, just keep color coding, and pass out at your desk, as usual. Please vote for your favourite tweet, in the survey at the end of this blog post. Thanks for voting last week, and the winner was:

Is it ever too early to be working in Excel? Maybe Dr. Who or Stephen Hawking can answer that question for us. Please vote for your favourite tweet, in the survey at the end of this blog post. Thanks for voting last week, and the winner was:

Happy Black Friday! This list of Excel tweets might entertain you, while you wait in line to pay for all those bargains that you found. Please vote for your favourite tweet, in the survey at the end of this blog post. Thanks for voting last week, and the winner was:

We must not judge – even if people are shouting “Eureka!” or are hoping that a ponytail will make them better at Excel. Remember to vote for your favorite tweet this week, at the end of this post. Last week’s favorite tweet was: “It’s easy to be proud of that #Excel sheet you made at…

Thanks for voting, and last week’s favourite tweet was: “My pivot table doesn’t know which way to pivot anymore. And I don’t even care.” Remember to cast your vote this week, at the bottom of this post – thanks!

If you win today’s battle with Excel, and answer the exam questions correctly, you might earn your accredited degree in chart formatting. Or a lie down. And you can vote for your favourite tweet, at the end of this post.

Happy Halloween! I hope your day is filled with pivot table treats, instead of spreadsheet tricks. And don’t accept any break room coffee, or donut charts, when you go trick-or-treating in your bean counter costume. Do any of this week’s tweets sound familiar? Which one is your favourite?

You don’t have to tweet about every chart that you make, especially if you’ve had a few drinks. Stick to coffee and French toast – it will make life easier. Do any of this week’s tweets sound familiar? Which one is your favourite?

Have you committed any Excel crimes this week, or achieved a victory, even if it’s just a technical knockout? Thanks to Bill Jelen for his contribution this week! If you see any Excel tweets that should be included next week, please let me know –  @ddalgleish on Twitter.

Don’t spend all day coloring the cells, or you’ll never become an Excel programming wizard.

Can Excel be bribed with candy, or is it cowering in the corner, afraid to face the vampires that are ready to feast on it?

If you Google for pivot table, don’t follow any advice that suggests a 3-D pie chart or a bowl of Froot Loops. I’m sure that Gridmaster Flash would agree.

Is orange the new black in Excel workbooks, or are you a dunce, waiting for help in the library?

Don’t lose hope, even if you’ve just lost 2 hours of Excel work, because you forgot to save. It might just be a case of analytics fatigue – color code some cells, and you’ll feel like a genius again.

If you use Excel to track college football results, should you show the grid lines on the worksheets? That might be a good question to ask at the Algonquin Pivot Table. Thanks to Mr. Excel, Bill Jelen, for contributing a few of these tweets!

If Excel incantations are your super power, a Margarita might be your only reward. However, if you learn macros and pivot tables, you could become a manager, with lots of coffee.

If Excel had a “Plaid” setting, you’d go cross-eyed after making 100 changes to a workbook, let alone 100,000. And you might have to listen to bagpipe music while you work.

Keep working on those pivot table skills, and soon you’ll want to pivot every piece of data that you get – or throw yourself out a window.